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DOUG STANHOPE - September 9, 2005
GUY MACPHERSON: You're admittedly, as you say on your
website, not for everyone. Who is your audience?
DOUG STANHOPE: Well, they're generally broke, I know
that.
GM: Why's that?
DS: (laughs) I don't know. I never sat down to think
about it. I think they're probably mostly the
disenfranchised. The people who've taken time to think
about everything and realize most of it's bullshit.
GM: Most of what you say is bullshit?
DS: No, most of what you're taught in life is
bullshit.
GM: You do shock some people but I get the sense
that's not your aim.
DS: No. Occasionally, to wake an audience up, I always
have a few silver bullets of shock value to break
people out of their trance, but no, that's generally
not the point. And it's gotten to the point where I'm
surprised that anyone is shocked. I'm so used to being
like this that I assume everybody else is. Early on in
my career there were points where I think, 'Wow, I
can't believe I'm actually going to tell people this',
whatever it is, a story or an experience, and then
after a while you're just so used to being honest
about your feelings and the places you've been and
what you do and who you are that you can't imagine
anyone would be shocked by it.
GM: Now they tend to know you, I would think, but
early on in your career did you get different kinds of
reaction?
DS: It's weird, even still people who don't know me,
you're always amazed at the things people are put off
by or shocked by when you go, 'Wait, I just did this
bit, that bit and you're going to walk out because I
made fun of a hurricane?'
GM: Oh, you're making fun of the hurricane now?
DS: Actually, I haven't been because I just moved to a
small town in Arizona by the Mexican border and
thought it'd be a good idea not to have television so
I have not immersed myself, as I would have, in
24-hour coverage. This is my first gig in a month so
now I'm on the road and I got the CNN but I missed all
the good parts. So I haven't found the angle on it
yet.
GM: I'm sure it'll come.
DS: Yeah. I mean I got to a point where I was just
watching so much CNN and it gets so hateful with that
impotent rage because there's nothing you can do about
it except yell about it. And it got to a point where I
realized I'm making my entire life miserable just to
make my act funnier. I'm watching way too much of this
that doesn't affect my life. You know, all of this
shit - the war, the election - none of it really
affects me on a regular basis. Or most people. So why
am I spending so much time on this hatred where it's
bleeding into my regular day where I'm just a hateful
person? So I got rid of TV and I'm way happier.
GM: And the small town living, do you like that?
DS: Love it. It's that small town in particular.
GM: Bisbee?
DS: Bisbee. It's an old mining town where the mine
went bust in the seventies and everybody fled, but
it's a beautiful city and the property values dropped
so all these artists and hippies and stoners and
drop-outs kind of took over the town. So it's kind of
a great place to be.
GM: I guess as a standup you just need an airport. It
doesn't really matter where you live.
DS: And that's why I didn't move there earlier,
because it's 90 minutes from the airport. And then
when I judged that against how much time I spent
fucking hating my life in Los Angeles, an
hour-and-a-half to the airport isn't really that long.
GM: Did you move there after a breakup?
DS: No, actually the breakup happened about a week
after I moved there.
GM: So you moved there with your wife.
DS: Yeah.
GM: And then she hated it.
DS: Well, no, she didn't hate it. But she continued to
hate me on some level and I go, 'Hey, I didn't move
all the way out here just to have the same fucking
baggage with me so let's just call this a date.'
GM: That's too bad, I guess.
DS: It's one of those things. I likened it to my
friend who did comedy for so many years and the only
skill he had was he was funny but he didn't have
anything else. He couldn't remember his jokes or
structure it for stage or remember a segue. How long
do you continue trying to do something? How long are
we going to stay in this relationship just because
we're in love even though we hate each other a good
half of the time?
GM: How long were you together?
DS: Three-and-a-half years.
GM: Ah, that's long enough.
DS: Yeah.
GM: You're smarter, I think, than a lot of the dirty
comics. I hate to even lump you in with them. With a
lot of them, I get the impression that it is the
shock, whereas you have a message and you make it
funny. I always use you as an example of a comic that
I can disagree with intensely and still laugh at.
Which I think is a good sign.
DS: Well, thank you. I only know a couple like that.
GM: Because normally if someone says something you
really disagree with, you kind of turn off them.
DS: Well, generally when I've noticed that it's
because they're using their point as their act without
any attempt to make it funny.
GM: I've heard a comic has to kind of step away from
it a bit, is that right? Otherwise you're too involved
and you come across as preachy.
DS: I've found myself to be preachy. There's no hard
and fast rule. Sometimes I think, 'Wow, this needs to
be said very loudly.' And then other times I'll look
back and go, 'Aw, that was really preachy.' And then
other times I go, 'I need to be preachier. I'm doing
too many dick jokes.' As long as you're unhappy with
yourself, it keeps you working.
GM: Is it more fun to get audiences to squirm or to
get huge laughs?
DS: When you can hit that balance in between.
GM: And you succeed at that most of the time?
DS: Not necessarily. (laughs) When you can find that
one angle that's inarguable but with a subject matter
that does make people squirm. Like years ago the TWA
Flight 800 was probably one of the best bits I ever
wrote but it was short-lived, as any news story is.
But it was one of those things that was really coarse
but it was inarguable logic.
GM: What was the bit generally?
DS: Let's see... I'm trying to remember it
specifically. But it was about the victims' families
that were just whining in these press conferences
after six days, and 'it's been this long and they
still can't identify our son'. The fucking plane blew
up over the middle of the ocean... I can't do it
justice. But there's another one: 9/11. Or the
hurricane, but I don't know what the angle of it is.
When you can find that, 'Hey, this is sensible even
though it shouldn't be...'... I'm having a hard time
putting this thought...
GM: I know what you mean. People hear certain red-flag
words or subjects and they immediately jump up and
they're not really listening to what you have to say
about it.
DS: Yeah. Or when you can make them laugh before they
realized they just laughed at the most inappropriate
thing ever and it's too late to take the laugh back,
that's always fun, too.
GM: Anyone who would think you're nothing but a shock
comic would point to the Girls Gone Wild videos.
DS: Mm-hmm.
GM: Why did you do that?
DS: Sounded like fun.
GM: And was it? Was it fun to make?
DS: No, no, it really wasn't. Just because I'm way too
old.
GM: How many did you do?
DS: I did one tape. They ran the commercial, I don't
know about up there, but here they ran the commercial
every 15 minutes for a year so people thought that was
my job, like I did that all the time. I did one tape
which took about seven nights of taping in different
bars. It was the easiest gig in the world. It was a
no-brainer as far as doing it. And all I did was
insult dumb girls. It wasn't like I was the one in
there going, 'Ooh yeah, baby, oh yeah. Touch it like
that, baby.' I was just walking through bars goofing
on chicks.
GM: You weren't necessarily a fan of the genre or
videos. Or were you?
DS: No, no. I just thought it was a ridiculous
pop-culturey thing to do for really good money for a
short amount of time. I wasn't counting on them taking
one thing that I said off the cuff and turning it into
an inadvertant catch-phrase for the rest of my life.
GM: What was that? I don't know it.
DS: 'Show me where babies feed' was the line that they
took out for the commercial. Every fifteen minutes
here's me saying, 'Show me where babies feed' as
though it were my own personal 'Git 'er done!'.
GM: As far as I know, we never got your version of The
Man Show in Canada. They're still repeating the Kimmel
and Carolla one.
DS: Hopefully it will never get there. That can't be
buried quickly enough.
GM: Was that one year or two?
DS: Well, technically one. Well, it was one season
that they stopped halfway through and then we reshot
some of the second half and aired it as a new season
even though it was the same.
GM: What was the problem with the show?
DS: It sucked.
GM: The writing?
DS: No, it wasn't the writing. There are so many
people that you could blame. It really boiled down to
the format. There was no way, as much as we tried,
that we could fit our sense of humour into it. Because
[Joe] Rogan and I have a very similar point of view.
GM: Except you're funny.
DS: Have you ever seen his standup?
GM: (laughs) No, but I always say that if he were
funny, you'd think that in however many seasons he's
been on Fear Factor one thing might have even
accidentally slipped out that was funny.
DS: Not necessarily. Not with what he does. What he
does is angry. Really smart angry. You'd be really
surprised. He's got a new DVD coming out soon that I
think has two of the best bits ever written on it.
GM: Really! Well then I'll have to check it out... You
were going to book something called The Unbookables.
DS: Yeah, it's something I'm trying to get around to
once my personal life kind of calms down for a while.
GM: Who are the Unbookables?
DS: Any number of comics. Just a rotating crew of them
that just don't get work down here because everyone
just caters to the middle mind. And every benign
pointless act will get feature work for eternity
because they don't really suck and they don't really
blow any headliners off the stage and they're
compatible and pliable and moldable. There's a lot of
comics that are just weird or bizarre or dark or too
angry or too vulgar or too much of a risk as far as
their proclivities to drink or drug, so they don't
wanna take a chance 'because I heard that guy's a
fuck-up and he gets really drunk or he's always
looking for drugs.' So what? Is he funny? Yeah, he's
funny.
GM: I guess they're worrying about if he shows up.
DS: Yeah, well that's the thing. You have a tour of
four people going out and one of them gets really
fucked up, well three people can swing a show.
(laughs)
GM: Take turns.
DS: Yeah. Yeah, you just book 'em properly: 'Wait, we
already have one fuck-up on this. Let's get a really
dark or weird guy.'
GM: I read where you're giving up drugs and smoking
for a month.
DS: Yeah, I'm just trying to quit smoking. So at
Thanksgiving here in the States in November, it'll be
my 25-year anniversary of drinking and smoking so I'm
going to quit everything for a month. I can't quit
smoking and do everything else. When I quit smoking, I
gotta quit drinking coffee and quit drinking alcohol.
GM: Are you going to work?
DS: No, I'm not going to work. I'm going to hide in. I
mean, I'll work on stuff at home. I'll write. I don't
even want to socialize. I won't even pick up the
phone. (laughs)
GM: You're a really good writer. Have you ever thought
of putting together a book?
DS: Yeah, I have. And that's something I can work on
when I'm home for a month. My discipline is shit.
GM: Is it?
DS: Yeah, as far as writing for that long. When I
write it's physically taxing. My mind goes into such
hyperdrive that I'll just sit there and chainsmoke and
drink coffee and get more and more manic.
GM: But you write on your website not as much as I'd
like but way more than anyone else who has a site out
there.
DS: Yeah, but that's not large chunks that a book
would require.
GM: But you have road stories and opinions on there.
DS: But that stuff doesn't flow out in a 15-minute
session. I sit and I'm too much of a... not
perfectionist, but I'll sit and dwell on 'What's the
right word for this?' That'll be half an hour just
trying to figure out the right word.
GM: And that's important in writing. And also standup.
Is it just as important for your standup? The exact
word or do you just go out with a vague idea of what
you want to say.
DS: Standup is different because you can riff around
the bullet-points that you know are going to work. And
you can take your time and play with it every time.
That's why it doesn't get boring. If I had to read
what I wrote on my site every night for a living....
The fun of standup is being able to twist it. Even if
it's old, you try to refresh it, add something or mix
it with something else.
GM: So you're not just out there reciting memorized
material.
DS: Right. The opposite with writing where if it's
going to be permanent, I want it to be perfect. That's
the beauty about standup: once you say it into a
microphone, it just floats off into the air up to the
interpretation and memory of the people in the
audience.
GM: Unless it's a CD or DVD.
DS: Exactly. That's why I put those out so
infrequently. Because when you put out a CD you gotta
make sure all the material's new. Generally in my act,
I always try to have new stuff but if it flows into
something I've said before naturally.... So if you're
taping something, the thought process that goes into
it: 'Oh shit, I can't say that because I said that on
the last CD' even if it's just a little thing that
segues into something else that's new. Make any sense?
It's something that's growing organically where old
parts are still essential but they've bred this whole
branch. And then you have to figure out a way to do it
without having that. I've taped for a week solid and
then listened to it and gone, 'This is just all
scripted sounding and no life to this.'
GM: You are a perfectionist.
DS: But then I drink and it all goes to hell.
GM: You encourage people, also, to copy your CDs and
tape the bootleg version.
DS: That's the only way I'll ever get known.
GM: This is interesting because most artists try to
protect that.
DS: Established artists. But I would assume anyone
that's unknown, and a good portion of the people that
are known, sure steal it. There's enough people that
are going to buy it.
GM: And pass it on to your friends so they know.
DS: Yeah. That's why Metallica, of all people, who led
the fight against Napster... If I ever saw that runny
little prick... I daydream about him being at one of
my shows. Fucking sawed-off half-queer. (laughs) What
is his name? Lars something.
GM: I don't know.
DS: I mean, the entire existence of that group was
based on word of mouth, grassroots. Because they would
get no airplay anywhere. It was all because of
Napster. Well, before Napster, but Napster-type
sharing of stuff that got them known and forced radio
stations to play them.
GM: They're penny pinching.
DS: Yeah, they're douchebags.
GM: I always thought musicians were biting themselves
in the ass by doing this because you obviously want
people to come out to your shows and that's where the
big money is. And then you can sell them other things
when they're there.
DS: Yeah. It makes no sense to me. I still feel guilty
every time I get paid.
GM: What type of comedy makes you laugh?
DS: Well, as you get bitter in this business, the most
fun is absolute train-wreck death open-mic comedy. But
just anything that's different. It's so hard to find.
Brian Holtzman is probably the hardest I've ever
laughed at comedy repeatedly. Literally on the floor
fucking dying, choking. He's just absolutely insane.
And he's just one of those guys who can be talking
about anything that I violently disagree with and I'm
laughing my balls off. He's so fucking funny. And he's
out of his mind: "You fucking cops! You crybabies. You
flat-foot. You play with guns, you get shot. Quit
crying. Suck it up, faggot!"
GM: Well, you agree with that.
DS: Yeah, I do. But like wicked queer-bashing stuff.
Like everything that if you were serious, I'd be
against. Like you're an insane person. It doesn't
matter what you say, you're fucking insane. And he,
like, really is insane. It's great. And Otto & George.
You ever seen Otto & George?
GM: No.
DS: Just the most vulgar puppet act in the world, out
of New York. He's got the reputation as a crackhead
that doesn't show up for gigs. He's an Unbookable for
sure. He's the worst ventriloquist in the world but
he's just over-the-top vulgar: "Madonna's such a whore
her pussy's got a drawstring like a laundry bag." And
his lips move more than the dummy's and he's not aware
of it. He thinks he's good. And it's just so funny.
GM: And he's not a put-on?
DS: No. There are just so many layers to him. The fact
that he is half nuts and he thinks he's a good
ventriloquist and he's so absolutely vulgar and racist
(laughing): "You ever see a black guy with a tattoo?
They're like, 'Hey, brother, you like my tattoo?' 'I
can't see your tattoo! You shoulda done it in
white-out, you filthy circus ape!'"
GM: Oh, geez.
DS: I did the Nasty Show with him this year at
Montreal. It's so wrong and so pointlessly vulgar but
it's beautiful at the same time. I dunno. I like the
people, you know? When the person shows through the
comedy rather than someone just putting a string of
words together to get a reaction.
GM: A lot of people have personas on stage or
exaggerated parts of themselves. How much of that is
you on stage? You seem very honest.
DS: It's honest to the extent that those are my
beliefs, save for the shock value. I mean, I'm not
always yelling like that. Not everything I say is
formed as a joke. But other than that, yeah. I'm
definitely honest. Maybe to a fault. If I'm not in the
mood to be there that night, I can't help but say it
(laughs). Maybe I should swallow that, but I don't.
GM: Is there anything you wouldn't say or you're
embarrassed about?
DS: The only thing I shy away from is something that's
better than even odds of causing me immediate physical
violence. Then I might stay away from a joke.
GM: So you're yeller.
DS: Yeah. When I played Jersey right after 9/11 in a
town full of fucking cops and firemen, I shied away
from the 'cops and firemen aren't heroes' bit.
GM: Probably wise.
DS: Yeah.
GM: You were on the Nasty Show in Montreal. Here
you're on the Triple-X show. And yet you say you want
to get known. Do you think you have to clean it up to
do more TV work?
DS: Oh, I don't want to... I didn't move to Bisbee to
do more TV work. There's nothing on TV, really. I
mean, if there were anything I'd gravitate towards,
it'd be radio.
GM: So no need to clean up your act?
DS: No, no. I have no desire to clean it up at all.
But I don't even find it that vulgar except for the
obsenities. The dick jokes are going to get fewer and
fewer as you get older. Hopefully. No one wants to see
some 50-year-old talking about getting pussy.
GM: How old are you?
DS: Thirty-eight.
GM: What's the cult?
DS: (laughs) Nothing.
GM: Okay. Just wanted to make sure.
DS: Yeah.
GM: Just the people that live with you? The woman who
answered the phone?
DS: Yeah, Bingo. That was actually Bingo's sister.
Bingo just got out of an insane asylum. Yeah, she's
wonderful.
GM: How many people live with you?
DS: Just me and Bingo and Father Luke, who's a
phenomenal writer. He's a man of words. So we have a
lot of fun.
GM: And the scabies is coming along?
DS: Yeah, the scabies are gone as far as we know. I
did book some cheap rooms on this road trip so maybe
we'll get some more.
GM: I saw you in The Aristocrats. You didn't know that
joke ahead of time, right?
DS: No, I'd never heard it.
GM: Was that just a conceit for the movie, that there
was such a joke that was passed on?
DS: I'm sure that joke was legendary at some point.
GM: Now that was just shock for shock value.
DS: Yeah, that's just a whole game of trying to make
something as filthy as you can possibly make it.
GM: Did you like the movie?
DS: I enjoyed it a lot, yeah. I thought it was
miraculous that they could make one beat interesting
for 90 minutes.
GM: You've played Vancouver before.
DS: A long time ago.
GM: You were doing mushrooms on stage.
DS: That was at Yuk Yuk's where I did mushrooms on
stage. They gave them to me in a chocolate, which I'd
never seen before but I have seen since. Yeah, we
tripped our balls off. What a great night!
GM: And it's before Thanksgiving that you'll be back,
so you can go crazy.
DS: Yeah, I look forward to it. I've got a seven a.m.
flight out of there and I don't plan on going to bed.